Peter Peter Caviar Eater

(Source Page For Transcript)

STEWIE: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't cut itself.  

LOIS
Honey, I'll be right there.  

STEWIE
By all means take your time! Oh when you do finally do get around to it, I’ll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes half way to bloody Boston!   [Meg enters]  
MEG
Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend; it smells like old milk in there.   [Chris enter]  

CHRIS
Hey! if I could find it I’d clean it up!  

LOIS
Kids keep it down; I haven't even told your father that... Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit.   [Peter runs in from hearing the name]  

PETER
Who said Margarita?   L

OIS
Peter, it's just for a week  

PETER
A week? awwww, geez, no no no no, please god kill me now, no no damn damn , crap, damn it to hell ,son of a...  

LOIS
Peter!  

PETER
Lois, some time it is appropriate to swear.   [Flashback: court room]   OFFICER Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole the truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?  

PETER
I do.......... you bastard.   [End flashback]  

LOIS
I love Aunt Marguerite ....because if it wasn't for her I never would have met you Peter!   [Flashback: Aunt Marguerite's pool]  

LOIS
Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel?  

AUNT MARGUERITE Have the towel boy bring you another.  

LOIS
I don't want to bother him.  

AUNT MARGUERITE Nonsense dear... you’re a Pewterschmidt… towel boy!   [Peter stares at Lois]  

PETER
Uhhh Hi, my name my name is towel I have a Peter for you.   [Lois giggles a little]  

PETER
My name is peter I'll be your nipples… towel boy! ahh geez   [End flashback]  

*Ding Dong!*  

LOIS
Okay everyone! Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome!   [Lois opens the door]   LOIS
Aunt Marguerite!  

AUNT MARGUERITE

Lois!   [Aunt Marguerite drops dead]  

LOIS
Oh my God... She… She's dead!  

PETER
Wow! Careful what you wish for, huh Lois? heh...   [Funeral Music]  

CHRIS
What if they bury her and she likes wakes because she wasn't really dead she was only sleeping?  

MEG
Ya...that's what happen to our big brother Jimmy... that's why mom and dad adopted you.  

CHRIS
What?  

LOIS
Peter, you remember Cocoa, my friend from Newport.  

COCOA
Peter! I almost didn't recognize you without a towel on your arm… haha.  

COCOA
Lois, where are your parents? Don't tell me they still on Safari.  

LOIS
You know my daddy, he won't rest until he kills something on every continent. Hehe but I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas.  

PETER
heh yeah it wouldn't be Christmas without your parents.   [Flashback: Christmas with Lois's parents]   [Christmas Music]   [Lois' father, Carter Pewterschmidt, takes out his pocket watch and drops it near the fireplace on purpose]   Carter Pewterschmidt Oh I dropped my watch! Peter would you be a good sport and fetch it for me?   PETER
Sure thing Mr. Pewterschmidt   [Peter bends down to pick his watch up]   [Lois's Father kicks him into the fireplace]   [Peter runs around on fire]  

PETER
Ahhhh AHHhhhhhhhh AHHhhhhhhh   Carter Pewterschmidt Oh we gotta put that out!   [Lois's Father gets a log and beats him with it to try and put out the fire on him]   [Lois's Mother chuckles]   [Flash Back Ends]   [Peter and Brian standing in front of the coffin]  

PETER
I'm telling you Brian… nothing changes. These bluebeards still treat me like scum just because I'm not loaded. Well I got news for them, I am as elegant as anyone in this room   [Lois walks by]   LOIS
Peter, we have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyers tomorrow, she left something for us in her will.

  PETER
Holy crap! Oh you sweet old broad!   [Peter picks up Aunt Marguerite's body from the coffin and dances around with it]   [Peter drops the body]  

PETER
Oh my god, she's dead   LAWYER
Madam Pewterschmidt passing has sadden us all

  PETER
Yea that's a real tragedy, what do we get? what do we get? come on big money! big money! big money! no whammy no whammy STOP!   LOIS
Peter please, I'm sorry, he's stricken with grief.  

LAWYER
Before she passed, your Aunt recorded a message for you.   [Laywer turns on TT]  

ANNOUNCER
New Port, Rhode Island, home of New England's most elegant and historic estates. The Breakers, Rose Cliff and the exquisite Cherry Wood Manor. The playlaysocial mansion of Marguerite Pewterschmidt. Marguerite is a shining example of how people with a lot of money are just way better than everyone else.   Aunt Marguerite: Lois, you were always my favorite niece. I just knew you'll find a wonderful man who will make all your dreams come true.....But I was wrong.

  PETER
And now your dead, score one for Peter!

  LOIS
Shhhhh!   Aunt Marguerite It's time for you to start living like a Pewterschmidt. That's why I'm giving you my summer home in Newport.  

LOIS
Cherry Wood? That's so generous of Aunt Marguerite.  

PETER
Wow, our own summer house. I feel kinda bad for going that thing with her toothbrush.   [Family drives up to the mansion]   [Begin music scene]  

SERVANTS

We only live to kiss your ass!  

SERVANT
Kiss it! I'll even wipe it for you!  

SERVANTS

From here on in it’s easy street!  

PETER
Any bars on that street?  

SERVANT

24 happy hours a day!  

PETER
oh boy!  

SERVANTS

We'll stop Jehovah’s at the gate!

GATE GUARD

Can I see that pamphlet sir?   [Gate Guards hits Jehovah with pamphlet]  

PETER
My God this house is freakin’ Sweeeeet!   Chef I make brunch! Cly cooks Lunch!   Chefs Each and everyday!   Chef Chocolate cake! A la Blake!  

PETER
100 bucks, Blake is gay.  

SERVANTS

We'll do the best we can with Meg!  

MEG
Are you saying I'm ugly?  

SERVANT

Doesn't matter dear! Your rich now!  

SERVANTS

We'll do your nails and rub your feet!  

LOIS
Oh that's not necessa-ooooo my

  SERVANTS

We'll do your homework every night!  

CHRIS
It's really hard.  

SERVANT

That's why we got that Steven Hawkins guy.

  PETER
My God this house is freakin’ Sweeeeet!   [Peter and Lois dances up on stairs]

  PETER
Used to pass a lot of gas, Lois ran away. Now we got 30 rooms! Hello BEANS! Goodbye SPRAY!   SERVANTS We’ll take a bullet just for you!   [STEWIE takes his teddy bear head of the body revealing a hidden gun]

  STEWIE Oh what coincidence, I got one!  

LOIS
STEWIE!  

SERVANTS

Prepare to suck that golf and tea. Now that your stinking rich, we gladly to be your bitch!  

PETER
My god this house is freakin’ Sweeeeeeeeeet!  

SERVANTT
That's a rap people, now lets get the hell out of here!

  PETER
Wait a second, where are you going?  

SERVANT
The old bag only paid us up to the song.  

LOIS
well we can pick up after ourselves; after all, we'll only be here on the weekends. 

PETER
No no Lois, it's time you started living like the Pewteshmit you are.  

LOIS
That's Pewterschmidt.

  PETER
Wait wait, you guys, you guys, your all hired to be full time Griffin Servants.

  LOIS
Peter, where are we going to get the money to pay all these people?

  PETER
Simple, I sold our house in Quahog.  

LOIS
You sold our home?  

PETER
Surprise!

  LOIS
Peter how could you?

  PETER
Oops?   PETER [singing] I recognize that tone! Tonight I sleep alone, but still this house is freakin’ sweeeeet!

  LOIS
Peter, how could you sell our house in Quahog without even asking me?  

PETER
aww, honey this is where you belong, you deserve a big house and nice stuff, you know like diamonds   [Diamond TV Commercial]

  LOIS
But I love our old house, you have to buy it back

  PETER
It's too late for that our stuff is packed and on it's way here. Come on Lois you're gonna love living in New port, sure this house is big but it's also very intimate. [Echo of intimate]

  MEG
so we are really gonna live here now?

  PETER
That's right honey

  LOIS
I don't know Peter.  

MEG
please mom? look there's a pool!  

CHRIS
Yeah, and there's a chair   [Stewie in the hall way. Two ghost twins enter]  

TWINS

Come play with us Stewie, forever and ever and ever  

STEWIE
Yes, all work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy   [Stewie blows them up with a rocket launcher]

  SERVANT

And the costal hole from the library we have the billiard room, and here we have the lounge  

BRIAN
*gasp!* sweet mary mother of God, Jackpot!   [Bartender Pops up]   Bartender What can I get you sir? we have ten varieties of single molt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles  

BRIAN
Don't make me beg

LOIS
Well I did love spending time here when I was a kid

  CHRIS
Alright Mom!   COCOA Jonathan and I just return sailing our yacht around the world  

PETER
Oh funny sailing story, alright this guy on his boat in the middle of ocean and see a little black dog, and let me tell you this dog has been swimming for days and he stinks like a dead otter right

  LOIS
Peter, maybe this isn't the place for that

  PETER
Hang on Lois hang on, so the guy takes him into the vet, and the freakin vet tells him, get this, it's not a dog, it's a rat, a big stinking Mexican rat. True story   [People get sick]  

MEG
Dad, that's just an urban legend

  PETER
Hands to God, I'm telling you it was a huge freaking rat, 5 times as big as that guy's steak.

  LOIS
oh Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell that story

  PETER
Oh I got a million of them, like my buddy's sister's boss, he was drinking with a hooker in a Vegas bar. Bam! Woke up without his kidney....   [People vomit]

  PETER
*Sigh* I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club, I barely had time to stuff Lois's salmon in my jacket.

  BRIAN
Face it Peter, you have a knack for saying the wrong thing.

  PETER
This sucks, Lois's friend yacht boy and his lovely wife Caca invited us to a hoy toied auction tomorrow afternoon, I don't want to embarrass her again, you gotta help me brain, teach me to be a gentlemen

  BRIAN
Well, Peter, it's not really that hard, let's start with polite conversation, for example, it's a pleasure to see you again, lovely weather we're having. Now you try.  

PETER
It's a pleasure to see you again, after Hogan's Heros Bob frame got his skull crushed in by a friend who video taped him having rough sex... how's that?  

BRIAN
Wow, perfect, my work is done, but just for the heck of it, let's try it again.

  SERVANT
More coffee madam?  

LOIS
I can get that Sebastian, to tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on.

  STEWIE

Cut my egg!  

SERVANT
your eggs are cut Sir.  

STEWIE

Cut my Milk!  

SERVANT
I can't sir, it's liquid.  

STEWIE

Imbecile! Freeze it then cut it, if you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail and I'll promise you I won't make it easy for you.

  LOIS
Oh Meg, your gonna love New Port High, it has a beautiful campus.

  MEG
Yeah, filled with beautiful people, and I'm gonna bag me a rich one.  

LOIS
Meg that's a terrible thing to say, You should marry someone you love, that's what I did.

  MEG
Yeah, and it got us kicked out of the yacht club.

  LOIS
Oh, you can't be mad at your father for being himself, that's the reason I felt in love with him in the first place. Ah he was so different from everyone else.   [Flashback: dance party]   [ Cocoa and JONATHAN dancing]  

JONATHAN

Cocoa, the day I graduate from Harvard, I’m gonna carry you off in the sunset on a white horse.

COCOA

It better be a stretch horse with leather seats with a chauffer!  

JONATHAN

Isn't she better terrific?   [ Cocoa and JONATHAN chuckle]   [Lois goes into the resort staff only room]   [Peter stops and drops his current dancing partner]   [Peter and Lois dance]   [End of Flash Back]  

LOIS
Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with it's own riches. Money doesn't buy happiness   [Lois, Chris and Meg walk away]

  STEWIE
Well I beg to differ.   [Stewie rings three bells, three servants attend]

  STEWIE
you, bring me the wall street journal. You two, fight to the death.   [Servants fight]

BRIAN
okay Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy, but your progress has been... well who we kidding, you haven't made any progress. Now the left TV is tuned into Frasier, the right has Ricky Lake, if you so much glance at the right TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts.  

  PETER
Got it.   Right TV Well Frasier you’re so corpulent, when you sit around the magnificent appointed Tuscan pillar, you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan pillar.   PETER
Hey, this is the smartest show on tv   Left Tv Yo, Ricky, she ma girlfriend, she ain't suppose to be having no pink.   [Brian shocks Peter]  

SERVANT
Master Brian, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentleman at the auction?  

BRIAN
Well, we got a long road ahead, but I've worked miracles before  

ANNOUNCER

And the Oscar goes to Marissa Tomai.   [Marissa Tomai kisses Brian]   [Brian shakes hands with Jack Nicholson]  

LOIS
Peter was suppose to meet us here an hour ago, I hope he didn't change his mind  

BRIAN
Maybe he's already here, maybe he's fitting in so well, we just can't tell him from other bluebloods  

LOIS
Well, we won't have to worry about that   [Trumpets sounds]   ANNOUNCER Lord Peter Griffin, The First  

PETER
Play me down the stairs boys   [Peter walks down the stairs]  

PETER
Good day  

PETER
on chantey  

PETER
Past a fasu  

PETER
Lookin good fellows  

LOIS
Brian, do you know anything about this?  

BRIAN
Lois, please! I'm just a dog... a stupid dog   [Brian asks for a drink]

  BRIAN
Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it   COCOA Peter, you look enchanting, you must join us tomorrow for a game of Bacharach

  PETER
right back o'tcha   [Lois walks up to Brian. Brian is drunk]  

LOIS
Brian, what happen to Peter, he's not cramming food or asking anyone to pull his finger, that's not the man I married

  BRIAN
So, I guess technically that makes you available..

  LOIS
What?  

BRIAN
Lighten up toots,   [Brian slap's Lois’s rear]  

BRIAN
it's a party Hah hah hah! Hey barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here, how ya doing honey?

  AUCTIONEER:

Welcome to the historical Society Auction, our first item is a 17 th century yield vase, we'll start the at bidding at $140,000 dollars

  PETER
what a marveling vessel, it would look smashing in Lois’s crappet, I mean crappia  

COCOA

You are so right, any women would love to have it on her crappia, JONATHAN!  

JONATHAN

Oh, $140,000!  

PETER
$150,000!  

LOIS
Brian that sounded like Peter  

BRIAN
Hey come here you...hahaha   [Brian falls off his chair drunk]  

JONATHAN:

$160,000!

PETER
$170,000!  

JONATHAN

$180,000!

  PETER
$190,000!  

[Jonathan stands]

  JONATHAN:

$200,000!  

AUCTIONEER

We have a new record for the Historical Society, the vase goes to....

  [Peter Stands up makes reference to Austin Powers moviews]  

PETER
$100 million dollars!  

AUCTIONEER

To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million dollars!

  [Brian is in the corner drunk]

BRIAN
Money money.. Money!

(Reference to the song ‘Money’ by the O’Jays)

GUEST

Peter we had no idea you were such a polantherpist  

ANOTHER GUEST

Fabulous vase darling, do you collect abche art?  

PETER

Well if that’s French for starwars collectors glasses then si!

  AUCTIONEER

Mr. Griffin, You’re the most generous man since Ted Turner  

TED TURNER

I would like to announce on giving a gift the whole world can appreciate, I’ve colorized the Moon

  LOIS
Peter, you don't have 100 million dollars.

  PETER
Of course I do my dear.  

AUCTIONEER

Now, would that be cash or check?  

PETER
Drop by Cherrywood this evening and I’ll have the money wired to you from my Swiss bank account.

  AUCTIONEER Ahhh very good sir!

  LOIS
Peter you don't have a Swiss back account.  

PETER:

Right... my LAWYERs advised me too keep some of my assets secret incase things don’t work out...  

LOIS:

I'm going home...where's Brian?

  [Brian and a Parking Attendant are drinking and smoking]  

BRIAN:

Listen, I told a blond inside that I have a 500 SL7, can you help me out?   [Lois talks on the phone]  

LOIS:

I'm sorry but I've made my decision, we’re moving back to Quahog, just as soon as we can get packed.  

MEG:

Quahog? That one horse town   [Horse standing on an empty street]   Horse: Hey shut up!, no you shut up! hey shut up! You shut up! Your the one talking! Well there's no one else here why don't every one shut up! What’s that? The wind1  

MEG:

I spit on Quahog!  

[Meg spits and SERVANT
catches it and slams the phone down]   [Brian has a hang over]  

BRIAN:

Easy!  

CHRIS:

If I ever go back to quahog is to poke poor people with a stick   [Peter comes in]  

PETER:

hmmm bond jo be  

LOIS:

now I remember why I left Newport... it changes people, you kids have lost your values, you lost your mind and I don't care much for Stewie's new friends   [Stewie and friends lounging with pipes]  

PROFESSOR PLUM:

Yes, Yes...the Pacific Rim Economy is still tad too shaky for me  

STEWIE:

oh oh stop it, stop it, Look here you can be a bloody fisco hermit crap every time the n-k goes self correction, Asia's Economy has nowhere to go but up.   PROFESSOR PLUM

Interesting   [PROFESSOR PLUM puffs his pipe]  

STEWIE:

Indeed   [STEWIE blows bubbles out of his pipe]  

LOIS:

Ahhh....I wish we never came here in the first place.  

PETER:

Choff... here go buy yourself more money.   [Peter is sitting in a chair]   [Brian comes in with Peter's Star wars Glass]  

PETER:

Hey o' bean... hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars Glass?  

BRIAN:

Illustrating a point, Peter, when Han solo took Millennium Falcon into cloud city, he found that Londo had turned control of the city over to Darth Vader, londo had forgotten who he was. It was only after then that Han was frozen and taken by Bounty hunter to Jabba's Palace that he was able to see his error of his ways. Peter, look inside of you, your not a Newport Millionaire, I created you, in a way, I am your father. [Reference to starwars]  

PETER:

That's not true, that impossible!  

BRIAN:

Damn it Peter snap out of it!  

PETER:

NOOOOOOO!!!   [Brian breaks the glass]   [Peter snaps out of it]  

PETER:

I just had the craziest dream where I brought a 100million dollar vase.  

SERVANT:

A Mr. Brandiwine from the Historical Society is at the front gate... he'll be here in a half of a hour.  

BRIAN:

it wasn't dream Peter, he's here for the money.  

PETER:

awww Brian I'm screwed, if I welch on that debt, I'm just gonna prove to everyone I'm not good enough for Lois. Only if I had something worth that much money, man I never dropped Mean Joe Green's jersy.  

PETER:

Good game Mean Joe... you want some of my coke?   [Mean Joe Green drinks the coke]   Mean Joe Green Hey Kid, catch   [Mean Joe Green throws his jersy at Peter...then his pants..then his sock and his jockey.]   [Peter runs away]  

PETER:

Hey, what about this house? I can just give them the house and call it even.  

BRIAN:

Cherrywood isn't worth 100 million dollars.  

PETER:

Brian, It's the historical Society, look we just gotta convince them that 100 million dollars of history happen here.   [Peter carves on the wall Jesus was here 2/15/57 B.C]  

AUCTIONEER:

So you’re saying Jesus crave his name into this mantle 51years before he was born?  

PETER:

He's Jesus, he can do anything, and look over here!   [Peter points at a broken wall with a hole in it]  

PETER:

that’s where the stock market crashed!  

AUCTIONEER

Physically?  

PETER:

Oh I'm telling you, you can't take a step in this house without un-covering something historical   [Peter taps on the ground .....*Choo Choo*]  

PETER:

Wait a second... could that be Harry Tubman’s secret Underground Railroad? oh it is! Go freedom train go!  

AUCTIONEER:

I've seen enough...I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. Please have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day  

PETER:

Wait Look this is where the pilgrims landed, on Fraggle rock (reference to 90’s TV show)   [Lois walks in]  

LOIS: Excuse me Lord Griffin, your family have gotten back to Quahog, if you get tired of being a snob...look us up  

PETER:

Lord Griffin is dead; it's just me Peter, the towel boy.  

LOIS:

Peter! Your back! Oh lets go home  

PETER:

We can't, I sold our home, our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with penis for the light switch.   LOIS
So we'll find another place.  

PETER:

Your Aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace. She was right...everyone was right...I'm not good enough for you.  

LOIS: Peter, I don't care what anyone else thinks, all that matters is that I love you  

PETER:

I love you too Lois.   [Peter and Lois hug, Peter accidentally bumps into a switch and opened a secret cupboard]   [Peter finds a box with old photos in it]   PETER
Lois, our problems are over!  

PETER:

My Mansion is historical alright. Cherrywood was America’s first presidential whore house... see there's Lincoln, Grid, Robert E. Lee   AUCTIONEER Those are fake...  

PETER:

Oh... they’re real. FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever   [Family watching the Cosby show. Son confesses to getting a girl pregnant.]   CHRIS
Hey dad ...you never did tell us how you got our house back.  

PETER: Simple....I just offered the people I sold it to double what they paid.  

LOIS: What? How could you afford that?  

PETER:

I kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a little auction of my own. Thanks to old honest Abe, we got our house back and I learned a valuable lesson... it doesn't matter if your family thinks I'm good enough for ya.   [Peter holds up a National Inquirer with the front page: Lincoln liked the Whores]  

LOIS:

That's right, because what's important is I love you  

PETER:

No because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch pimps and whores, hehehe   [Peter gives a thumbs up]